How to Survive the Apocalypse (Now)

See, the LORD is coming with fire, and his chariots are like a whirlwind; he will bring down his anger with fury, and his rebuke with flames of fire.  For with fire and with his sword the LORD will execute judgment upon all men, and many will be those slain by the LORD.  Isaiah 66:15-16

I Will Help You to Survive the Apocalypse

I love apocalyptic and post apocalyptic art. Especially literature. Recently, the Bible’s apocalyptic narrative was trumped in greatness by The Stand by Stephen King. I got to thinking about possible apocalyptic scenarios after a gym session the other night.

There were three people there, after hours. One was some older guy stuck in the seventies, the other was a cute female trainer with tattoos and minimal clothing and her heavyset male client.

The client was doing some bicep curls on a machine. The dude from the wrong era was telling him to go at it with the fervor of training for a zombie apocalypse. This got me thinking about a few things. My immediate thought was, “I wouldn’t even fucking think about curling if I knew any kind of apocalypse was near.”

My thoughts then turned to what I would actually do.

Now, I don’t think that a zombie apocalypse is likely. I also don’t think a religious apocalypse is likely since nobody has been right, to date.  Nor do I think we are that lucky to be given a chance to potentially start over again. I think that the likely scenario is one like in The Stand–a super virus–or one of economic collapse. My list of what to train for if I got left behind, survived a virus, etc. would be as follows (adjust to your abilities and better personality traits).

The first thing I would do would be to train to shoot at moving things, while I was moving myself. The most practical way to do this would be to take up hunting and get good at creeping up on animals. In a land where your money didn’t matter, food would likely hold a lot of leverage. I would also laugh at anyone who thought it was a good idea to invest in gold, should the apocalypse arise.

Shooting moving things will not only benefit you from a hunting standpoint, but there will inevitably come a point where you might have to shoot another human being. Possibly because they are encroaching on your shit. Even Rick Grimes had to do it.

To Survive The Apocalypse is Easy

This should be easy for you. If you’ve read or seen Lord of the Flies,The Stand, Heart of Darkness, Apocalypse Now, The Picture of Dorian Gray, and The Walking Dead, you know the laws of old don’t mean anything without the power, nor the will to enforce them.

The next thing I would personally train would be my people skills, so that I won’t have to kill anyone and I can talk my way into better situations. When it came down to it, I would ideally find someone who could build things–perhaps a mason–so that shelters (and eventually towns) could be erected.  If you are the type of person who has the knowledge to build towns and design structures, you would train the skill of doing so specifically. I do not, so I would have to add to my adventure party.

Then, I would actually train my fitness. I would get good at carrying shit in every possible. Stones, bricks, anvils, farmers walks, overhead carries, back packs, etc. I would do so at varying paces to accommodate for actual distressing situations.

Coupled together, I would train my climbing (fences, walls), Sprinting (including changing directions), Jumping (up, landing and forward) and Swimming. I would put the swimming first, since I am not good at it now and in Florida it might be a real possibility that I would have to use it.

These were the things I immediately thought of, though a strong case could be made for melee combat since I would be dealing with humans and saving ammunition would be paramount on the list of smart things to do. An equally strong case could be made for learning how to manufacture your own ammo. I know people who do just that, and if I were making an adventuring party for the apocalypse, I would want to have that person on my team.

This is not an exhaustive list, but it’s sole purpose is to point out that specificity is key in your training.  Be as specific as you can be for your goals. Learning how to military press with max tension won’t help you in a scenario where you can’t hiss your breathing and stand perfectly straight, just like Crossfit won’t make you great at every other sport (though some coaches will claim otherwise).

What would you do in the event of the apocalypse? Comment and let me know.